murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Overindulged this afternoon.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
This is my bus stop.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.