protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.