[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
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Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Does this dress make me look cat?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Care for your back
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…