MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Had to try this trend 😊
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him