*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
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Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
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5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie