*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president