Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
#polloftheday
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.