Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop