MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?