At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I feel seen
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?