murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say