I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
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Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction