[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol