Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.