museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.