[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
There’s always that one guy
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.