Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
be careful
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot