Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Interior design 👌
Happy Taco Tuesday
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Today’s Times
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA