@donni: Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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@WeissBrandon: Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?
@SpacePlankton: Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He's not gay anymore. HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. He totally threw up.
@LoveNLunchmeat: 50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
@fro_vo: [shark tank] ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it SHARK: this is a waste of time ME: *waist