Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?