Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
He wanted to make sure😂
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!