Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
wut hotdog?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business