Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
You Might Also Like
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
How do you like your Corgi?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Never let them know your next move 😂
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
A leaf blower, but for people.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”