Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Time heals everything 🙂
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?