Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Good Morning.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious