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@brandonleecool: Muslim: I do not eat bacon.
Jew: I do not eat bacon.
Me: I will have their bacon.
@TheAlexNevil: *bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
@copymama: Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
@Jandalize: Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
@djdarrellripley: Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog....
@fro_vo: Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot