“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
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Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.