Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
i’m sure it’s fine
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh