I’m having an out of money experience.
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“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*checks Timeline*…
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
A great tip. #CakeRex
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.