@kv8: Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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@slimmy_shady: SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
@ilovepie84: I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
@conanobrienswyf: All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
@RandomManik: My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.