“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.