@kumailn: Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.
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@cathisamazing: I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
@ChipKellysBalls: WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
@dougbies: My phone died, so I was forced to "print" a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
@QwertyJones3: "Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out." Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I'll prove you wrong.