@kumailn: Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.
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@Cheeseboy22: Some jerk called me "pretentious" so I called him a "planktupus." I can make up nonsense words too.
@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
@Reverend_Scott: [running away from killer] KILLER: YOU'RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I'LL GET U ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
@OwensDamien: ‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’