[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
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Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
mmm onion ringos
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
2022 be like
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex