[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
You Might Also Like
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”