computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Is this a threat?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!