Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.