My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
i wish we could shoplift online
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.