I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you