Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*