My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal