Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
That’s not how days work.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit