my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.