@IamEnidColeslaw: my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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@stanleybehrman: I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
@lisaxy424: my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo* when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
@truegritrumble: ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes. WIFE: M: W: The laundry. M: No the dish... W: M: W: What? M: We need new dishes.
@thatdutchperson: [trying to sleep] Me: ok, just breathe and relax. Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED