My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several