My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My kitchen overserved me.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs