My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.