My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
You Might Also Like
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who