My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
According to math, I’m broke
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]