My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Worth remembering.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr