My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
accurate
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.