just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.