Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.